Did God Get it Right?

This past Friday night was the benefit concert for the Matthews family and I really struggled whether I even wanted to go. I wasn't sure why, but just had this rock in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about it. I waivered until Friday afternoon and in the end decided I wanted to be there for my friend Angie.

As I walked in, I saw lots of people I knew old friends as well as new ones from the Mason Vineyard. I found out quickly that Angie was sick and wouldn't be there. Chuck and I sat down and immediately I burst into tears as they started showing pictures of Charlie and I heard his voice in the sermon cuts they showed at his funeral. It was then I realized why I didn't want to be there. So I walked out.

I was angry. I missed Charlie and I wasn't sure who I was more angry at, Charlie, myself or God. My next thought was how I don't really think Charlie would not have wanted this to happen, in fact he was probably pissed when it did! (I'm pretty sure he got over it quickly, being in the glorious presence of God and all that entails.) So that left myself and God.

I am angry at myself for several reasons. I tend to judge myself pretty harshly (I'm sure that is not a surprise to those who know me) and in my mind I should be "over" Charlie's death. I was not Angie, not one of his close family members in fact had only known him for 5 or 6 years. So who am I to still be feeling so sad and angry over his death? It was easier to tuck the feelings away, especially as life goes on and going to the benefit just stirred up the sadness and pain I feel at losing my friend all over again. I am also haunted by thoughts that did I not pray hard enough or pray the right things. God tells me I have the power to heal through Jesus Christ, but why did my prayers not work as well as many, many other people's prayers? How did we miss praying for the impacted bowel? Was God speaking and I just wasn't listening?

Ok, so all that to say, mentally and theologically, I GET that God is sovereign. I didn't miss anything. Which then leads me to be angry at God. I'm just not sure He got this one right. Again, I GET that He works all things to the good for those who love Him. Much goodness has come out of Charlie's death. But this is one of those gray areas that I need God's grace all that much more, because I guess I don't really GET this. There is no clear cut formula as to why people die early, horrific deaths. It would be easier to explain and formulize if it just happened to evil people, right?

The love, grace and knowledge of God is too big for me to GET. Why He does what He does and why things like this are allowed to happen. But, I'm pretty sure God can handle my anger as I grieve through my good friend's death. God, I need lots of grace in the gray for this one...

Renewal of My Mind

I found myself in a familiar cyclical pattern this week. I scheduled myself too heavy (need to figure out why I do that), so I worked 3 days from 9:00am t0 9:00 pm with no time to eat or to work out. Because I was so tired, most of my eating consisted of Taco Bell and McDonalds grabbed on the way home. So when I did have a day off, I found myself restless but exhausted and had decided "I'm not going to work out, I'm tired and don't feel well."

Then I get Duane's text. Gym at 2:00 or 2:30 today? Awww snap!

I look at the text and have to make the decision. Do I let him and myself down or get my butt up and go to the gym? This is when the mental argument starts in my head. I feel like a rebellious two year old in my spirit.

"But I don't want to go!" Whhhhhaaaaa! (Image of little demon Karin on my left shoulder)
"But Duane is expecting you. You'll feel better." (Image of angel Karin on my right shoulder)
"Why bother, you haven't lost any weight. What good is it doing?" (Demon Karin)
"But it's only two weeks in and you've already increased in your endurance!" (Angel Karin)

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 NLT

I met Duane at the gym at 2:00. My first comment to him was again, "I didn't want to come". With his smile and gentle words he said. "I'm glad you did!".

Wiped Out

So Duane wasn't so tough on me today. It felt really good to begin to work my muscles again and do strength training, even though I am way down from what I used to be. What is so cute about Duane and Connie are their pithy phrases that they use to encourage one another on. Like "respect the process" or "a workout done is better than one undone".

Lots of good things coming up this weekend that I'm looking forward to. Leading a prayer time with my friends at Mason Vineyard this coming Saturday morning, praying with Young Life leaders at their leadership conference and last but certainly not least ENCOUNTER!

God prompted Jim Zartman and I to do this thing called Encounter, because we both saw a need (or maybe felt our own need) to be able to just spend time in worship and allowing God's spirit to refresh us. But one of the most encouraging things to me to see people there who are new to the things of the Holy Spirit and see them touched and healed. Does it get any better than that?

Sigh...Time to take my wiped out body to bed.

Just breathe....

So tomorrow starts my cardio and strength training with my friend Duane and his wife Connie. He is one of my small group members that is encouraging me. Duane is 50 something, but is one of the most physically fit 50 somethings I've every met! Not just that, he is wise and encouraging and I've given him permission to push me. I know I'll be frustrated at where I've gotten to, but since Duane is a pastor, I'll be cautious not to curse at him too much! Oops I'm one too...note to self...do not cuss...do not cuss...

So last night I was sharing with a few close friends that I have been feeling dry in my season with God. Not really feeling like I'm hearing his voice or feeling his presence in a way that I've become accustom to. It's like when you are best friends with someone and they suddenly stop coming around or talking to you.

Now I've been in the game long enough to know it is not about "feelings" and that God sometimes retreats so that we lean in more to him. He loves to play a bit of divine hide and seek with us. So last night as one of my friends prayed for me, she said she heard the phrase "just breathe". It felt significant to me, but wasn't really sure why. So today as I carved time out of my schedule to just spend time in worship, to my delight He spoke.

Just breathe, Karin. As you do, with each breath you inhale, you are inhaling my Holy Spirit . When you exhale each breath, you are exhaling my spirit to those around you. As you breathe know that I am in you, around you, moving you forward even when you don't realize it.

It is comforting to me that God is continuing to grow me, strengthen me, comfort me, guide me even when I am not aware of his presence. He is way more invested in my growth to be more like his son, Jesus, than I am.

So as an encouragement...if you feel God far away today, just breathe.....

Can the Ending Really Be Different?

Some of my wonderful friends did an intervention of sorts on me this week. I have been talking in my small group for the past few months of my desire to get back into shape and reverse this cycle of losing large amounts of weight and then gaining it right back. Not an uncommon problem. Which is why I'm choosing to even share this.

For those who have known me for the past 7 or 8 years, you have seen me loose over 80 lbs and gain it right back. When in fact I've lost that amount at least 2 or 3 times in my life. I feel like Oprah except on a way smaller level. When you have somewhat of public position you are keenly aware of how people watch you.

And when I say intervention, it was with lots of love and an honest desire to learn how to challenge each other to be the best we can be, at the deepest levels. But this triggered an immediate visceral response in me. It was "I don't want to disappoint you or myself once again."

There are myriads of different reasons why people do this. Emotional past hurts, an unwillingness to do the physically painful work that it takes to get your body into shape, using food to numb, comfort or reward ourselves or maybe all of the above. But for me my repeated failures have taught me to believe that the ending will be the same, so why try?

Until in our staff meeting this week God spoke through the mouth of our executive pastor when he read Isaiah 43:18-19. Not an unfamiliar passage, but very timely. It says:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"

So the first question I need to answer is how badly do I want this? Is it enough to risk again trusting that God is doing a new thing? Can I forget the former things and not dwell on the past?

One last thought. I have had many people come in my life to say, "let's do this together!" Each time we've walk alongside each other for a bit then I or the other person just stop connecting on it and slip back into our old patterns. (Usually it is me). As I thought about this God brought to mind an old joke.

A man caught in a flood and was standing on the roof of his praying and asking God to rescue him. A boat comes by but the man declines it saying "God is going to rescue me". Then a helicopter comes by. Again the man declines saying "God is going to rescue me!". (See where this is going?) As the water gets higher the man laments "God why haven't you rescued me?" And God replies, " I tried!".

God has sent by boats to me and I believe this week he sent by a helicopter. It gives me faith to believe the ending could be different.