Did God Get it Right?

This past Friday night was the benefit concert for the Matthews family and I really struggled whether I even wanted to go. I wasn't sure why, but just had this rock in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about it. I waivered until Friday afternoon and in the end decided I wanted to be there for my friend Angie.

As I walked in, I saw lots of people I knew old friends as well as new ones from the Mason Vineyard. I found out quickly that Angie was sick and wouldn't be there. Chuck and I sat down and immediately I burst into tears as they started showing pictures of Charlie and I heard his voice in the sermon cuts they showed at his funeral. It was then I realized why I didn't want to be there. So I walked out.

I was angry. I missed Charlie and I wasn't sure who I was more angry at, Charlie, myself or God. My next thought was how I don't really think Charlie would not have wanted this to happen, in fact he was probably pissed when it did! (I'm pretty sure he got over it quickly, being in the glorious presence of God and all that entails.) So that left myself and God.

I am angry at myself for several reasons. I tend to judge myself pretty harshly (I'm sure that is not a surprise to those who know me) and in my mind I should be "over" Charlie's death. I was not Angie, not one of his close family members in fact had only known him for 5 or 6 years. So who am I to still be feeling so sad and angry over his death? It was easier to tuck the feelings away, especially as life goes on and going to the benefit just stirred up the sadness and pain I feel at losing my friend all over again. I am also haunted by thoughts that did I not pray hard enough or pray the right things. God tells me I have the power to heal through Jesus Christ, but why did my prayers not work as well as many, many other people's prayers? How did we miss praying for the impacted bowel? Was God speaking and I just wasn't listening?

Ok, so all that to say, mentally and theologically, I GET that God is sovereign. I didn't miss anything. Which then leads me to be angry at God. I'm just not sure He got this one right. Again, I GET that He works all things to the good for those who love Him. Much goodness has come out of Charlie's death. But this is one of those gray areas that I need God's grace all that much more, because I guess I don't really GET this. There is no clear cut formula as to why people die early, horrific deaths. It would be easier to explain and formulize if it just happened to evil people, right?

The love, grace and knowledge of God is too big for me to GET. Why He does what He does and why things like this are allowed to happen. But, I'm pretty sure God can handle my anger as I grieve through my good friend's death. God, I need lots of grace in the gray for this one...